Getting to know me
I don’t think I could ever say I love myself or be my own best friend, but I would really like to stop being my own number one enemy
I would never have described myself as confident. I think of times in my life where I was more confident than others, but it was always on shaky ground. Back then, it could be a friend not texting back in her usual time, a boy not putting me in their Top 5 (did anyone else in secondary school do this?!), not fitting into Topshop jeans. Now, it feels like anything has the potential to knock me off kilter.
My confidence and self-worth was - and still is - dependent on other people or external factors. I collect external validation.
In one conversation with a Mind therapist she said to me, that a lot of my problems would be solved, if I had more self esteem. And ever since she said that in 2020, I can see what she means. My choices, my thoughts, how I don’t do things, how I ruminate, how I go over and over the past, how I am a chronic people pleaser, how I don’t forgive myself, how I care so much about what other people think, or what I want them to think, how I put so little into me.
I could write down a million things I’ve done wrong, what I wish I could take back or do differently, what I don’t like about myself, the way I look, the way I am. It is relentless and hard to ignore sometimes.
I am jealous of women who have this confidence and sureness of themselves. Who walk into a room and know what they bring to the table. To say what they will and won’t put up with. Who don’t let anyone put them down or push their boundaries. Who are unashamedly themselves. In honesty, I used to find these people annoying until I figured out why I thought that way.
I don’t know how to have unshakeable or at least, less shakeable confidence in myself.
But all I know is, I would really like to start being kinder to myself. I don’t think I’d ever say best friends or that I love myself, but I would really like to stop being my own number one enemy.
I want to find out how to cheer myself up, how to be my own cheerleader, how to have my own back. How to have strong self-belief. How to trust myself. I want to be able to validate and rely on myself more. I want to be sure in what I bring to the table.
Instead of binging on days when my mood is low and feeling sorry for myself, I want to have more kindness and wisdom to know that this does not work. To cook a nourishing meal, to try other things to feel better. I want to be able to look in the mirror and just be blasé about what looks back at me. To treat my eczema on my body as though my younger sister has it, saying kind words instead of hateful inner talking.
I want to spend some time finding out what I really like, and not just because I’ve been influenced with similar images on social media. I want to stop comparing everything and anything to things I see. I want to be a trier, someone who proves to myself what I can actually do. I want to write, and focus on how I write, not how everyone else does. I want to do more of what young Sophie liked.
I am going to start writing a journal of things that I’d like to try, things that genuinely make me feel good, and what makes me belly laugh, or set my soul on fire and do more of that.
I want to spend more time with Sophie, it’s about time I got to know her better.
Thank you for being honest and open to yourself and the world here. It takes courage to do that and not many people can do it. But you did. That speaks volumes and also confidence. ♥️ Learning self-worth takes time. It starts with awareness, the first thought and the fact that you openly talked about it here, you already took that first step. So celebrate yourself for that. It’s the little things we need to notice first. I like to give myself appreciation in the mirror with kind words every morning. And doing so for a year now, I can feel the shift in my internal world. It’s about choosing what’s right for you, and not the world around you.
Lovely piece